They say breakups are hard to do. You invest in a person for a short or large amount of your life and breaking that bond no matter how short or long you spend with the person, is never easy. It’s like losing a part of ourselves when that person is no longer with us. Last month, I was harshly separated from the man I was seeing. We were together for seven months, a short time in retrospect or in comparison to the years I’ve spent with other partners, but an intense, overwhelming and damaging relationship none the less. I loved and cared for him like I’ve done no other man before, and I was devastated with this separation more than any other in my life.
Realizing full well that I didn’t belong with this person, nor he with me, still didn’t stop me from feeling absolute despair. We were very different people, his love immature, his attention erratic, his treatment would swing between sweet, tender and considerate, to demeaning, disrespectful and at worst verbally and emotionally abusive. I was with a deeply insecure man who did everything in his power to make me feel insecure, because lets face it misery loves company. And no matter what I did I always felt I was the one to blame. Even through all of that, I crumbled at the realization that I would have no further communication, contact, or connection. After a heated argument, he was adamant, none was allowed or possible between us.
It felt that a knife was plunged into my heart. I could not sleep or eat for days. I was crushed, I was alone again, I had no one to turn to or talk to like I did with him, or so I thought. I missed his presence in my life despite our problems, quarrels and miscommunication. I soon realized I had lost days and nights, in utter sadness, barely functioning, longing for contact, forgiveness, and resolution. After one last attempt at communication, that was met with police intervention and threats of restraining orders I was utterly defeated. I had no hope of communication that didn’t involve insults, accusations and pure vindictiveness. Upon realizing that, I underwent a transformation that at no other time in my life had occurred.
I started to break up with the old me. I broke up with the little girl who didn’t feel worthy or important. We all know that little girl. The little girl who was afraid of her dad, the little girl who was hurt and neglected, emotionally an physically by every man she had ever been with. And very painfully, through shedding, years of patterns and habits I started to realize I was not living the life, or love I wanted or deserved.
I broke up with the little girl who needed approval or attention to be validated or recognized. I broke up with the little girl who didn’t believe in her strength or power or beauty or choices. I broke up with the girl who took morsels of love and attention, in the place of real love and attention, I broke up with the girl who thought that abuse, asshole behavior and sexist bravado were attractive and worthy of my time. I broke up with the girl who thought that she needed attention from a man to feel sexy, beautiful, and strong.
“I broke up with the little girl who didn’t feel worthy or important.”
I let that girl go, because the choices she had made no longer were serving her or had a purpose for the woman she wanted and deserved to be. A woman who is loved because she is strong, a woman who is respected because she is creative, thoughtful, and tender. A woman who is given space to be who she is, a woman who is listened to, a woman who is treated with kindness and compassion when things are not perfect, and who’s not run over, trampled or diminished because she has her own opinions. I am scared, slightly insecure at times, unsure but determined more than ever to find a path to success, a path to community, a path to love, a path to my best self. I am that woman.
In the end I realized I wasn’t breaking up with this man, who in retrospect had no lasting impact or influence in who I was. A man who came briefly into my life and tried in so many ways to break me, see me with his own eyes, and ignore what I had to offer. A man who I had found in so many other men in the past. A man who could not accept my love or give love in return. A man who really didn’t see me, a man who really didn’t love me. I was breaking up with the abusive, the self loathing, controlling, narcissistic behavior I thought I deserved. And I started loving, and embracing, the woman who came out of this battle with many scars, yet with wisdom that this paradigm no longer serves her needs. The little girl is no longer, and the woman who is emerging is who I will embrace with my whole heart.
I realized that no one can make you doubt your own purpose but yourself. And now that am alone, I cherish every moment I have with this amazing, loving, creative, brave, sexy, beautiful, funny, goofy, erotic, strong, bold and daring woman I want to get to know better.
This is a heartfelt thank you to all the bastards who brought me to this point. A thank you to all the assholes who treated me like garbage, thank you to all the narcissistic abusive men of the past. You have made me who I am today and you cleared the path for a new woman to emerge. I am no longer that little girl anymore. Cheers.