Category: Uncategorized

August 1993– I close my eyes and leave my mind to wander to memories of summers past. Our first summers alone without our parents, when you were fifteen, seventeen years old. The first flirtations and hanging out with boys, the sand warming your body, and you were looking at me with that ironic gaze that says everything and nothing at the same time. I remember laughing with a group of friends who I never saw after that summer. We gathered on the beach in Saronida, little shits that we were, lost in our over active hormones and feeling that we knew it all. Only Sophia is left of these friends, and acquaintances, in a life that seems like a dream now. Whenever I pass by Saronida bay I think of them and wonder what they might be doing now.

August 1995– I close my eyes again and I’m transported to my first summers in Mykonos, at the Caprice bar in little Venice, the full moon rising, the water glistening with its reflection and the sun casting a beautiful gold glow over the water’s surface. I danced on that bar at age six and age 36 for the last time. Now it feels like a lifetime and part of a long gone chapter of of my life. ( I’ts better that way I say to myself, we are due for a new chapter anyway) I got to know this island through thick and thin, in its glory and its demise, through its most shining beauty and its darkest, most evil secrets. I understood how sweet a summer can be after a very bitter and disappointing winter. As I sit on my balcony near Lia beach, overlooking Kalafatis Bay and the Divounia mountains, I reflect on the past and the present of this amazing island and all the craziness it holds in its heart. I always reminisce of the years it was “still ours” and not so full of crappy tourists.

There is where my friendship with my “big sister” Vivian was born in the summer of 2009. There is where we were adopted by our bohemian, beach family, where we discovered out paradise and our “home”. I won’t tell you which beach it is, its for the tested and the loyal few who can respect and love it. There I met with lovers and summer flings, and dark conniving people, and amazing friendships that last a lifetime… A whole microcosm in a small Cycladic island.

August 1994- I distinctly remember that wretched summer in Andros island. I got horribly sick with food poisoning after eating their local delicacy Froutalia. I was throwing up most of the night, and the fever had me chained to my bed when everyone else was at the beach. The people I was with were unbearable, so I left the next day leaving behind both the island the the bad company forever. Thankfully the curse on the island didn’t last long. Some years later I went to visit a life long friend, and as we sat on her balcony, cooking, drinking wine and reading poetry, I fell in love with the grandeur and nobility of this shipping beauty of the Cyclades.

August 2016- I visited the island again with two of my sister soul mate girlfriends. Two incredible women who I can safely say are the most fun, incredible company for any island adventure, because lets be honest, you should only go on vacation with your soul brothers and sisters.

August 2009-  I met the group of friends, the beach and the location that would change my life. That year I met the island that would change everything about how I saw Greece and its rugged, untamed beauty forever. Southern Crete, Sweet water beach, 20 friends gathered that night; they swept me away, I flirted after two years in a very difficult and dead end relationship, he kissed me passionately, I let the waves and their laughter take me away; they insisted I change my plants; stay a few more days. I stayed all night until the dawn, I let you touch me and hold me and I knew full well that we would never meet again. I will go again this summer, to the same tavern on the sea, with my love, inside my heart and all around me. I will walk the whole way from the main town to that magical beach from the rocky dangerous mountain path, take off my shoes, my clothing and turn off my phone and let the Libyan sea hold me forever. Many things have changed since that summer in 2009, yet one thing remains the same… There is a double Greek coffee with a little sugar and a home made sweet waiting for me at Despina’s cafe… (She’s promised me a spot in front of the sea and I can’t wait to get there)

August 2004 Olympic Games in Athens- Before that summer, we were 400 strangers. After four months of rehearsals under the hot Athenian sun we were a team, a family, a community. We danced together, we laughed and cried together, we were proud together. I had a horrible time taking that damn white thick paint off my face and body at the end of each rehearsal, but it was the most beautiful journey and experience of my entire life. I remember not caring that the stifling August sun was beating down on us at the rehearsal space in Aspropyrgos, because somehow we all knew we would be a part of something so historically amazing and memorable, we would be talking about it for generations to come. The Olympic stadium, lit up the warm August nights. We lived through an experience that brought us all together as a country body and soul, and for the first time in our lifetime we were really proud to be Greek. I still keep in touch with some of my fellow volunteer performers after 13 years, I do hope they are all well and happy.

August 2017-  Counting down the days…. to meet up at old side streets, to feel the hot summer sun on my skin, to go mad with the sound of secadas after an afternoon at the sea. To share drinks at my favorite spots in Athens, to walk up to my old apartment in Petralona and reminisce. To siesta with the soft wind blowing through my window, after a brilliant meal near the beach with friends. This year will be the most beautiful summer of all, close to friends of a lifetime, close to familiar neighborhoods, with my people, who fill my soul, close to friends who make us forget and remember every August and every summer before.

Cheers and Happy summer to all.

Practice and all is coming- Sri K Pattabhi Jois

I entered my first yoga class in 1997. I was a junior in college, a full on dancer with absolutely no idea what yoga was besides hearing Sting talk about it in an interview. My then amazing Cuban/ American dance teacher, took us through our first ever yoga class and I thought someone had given me a drug and then punched me in the face. Everything I thought I knew about my body stood on its head- literally. Now 20 years on Its been a joyride of learning, making mistakes, learning some more, unlearning, realizing new truths and letting go of old ideas. Yoga has been my longest companion through life and, these are some of the things I’ve learned along the way.

1. I am still learning and the more I know the less I know.
2. Life isn’t that complicated.
3. Being good to others doesn’t necessarily mean they will be good to you.
4. Doing perfect poses doesn’t mater.
5. Breathe damn it.
6. The mind is a terrible thing to waste.
7. Thinking too much is a waste of time.
8. Yoga teachers aren’t necessarily good people.
9. Good people are found in the most unlikely places.
10. Respecting the body and its infinite wisdom is more important than poses.
11. Being absolute, dogmatic or strict about yoga isn’t yoga.
12. It is what it is, until its not.
13. Yoga asana should be play not torture.
14. If I miss a day, a week or more of practice I’m not a bad yogi
15. Yoga certifications don’t make you a yoga teacher, practicing does.
16. Reading philosophy can’t make you a better person.
17. Being humble is better than being right.
18. Letting go isn’t that easy.
19. Helping others is the other side of control (Thanks Anne Lamott for the inspiration)
20. I don’t adjust bodies any more, I help my students adjust their own bodies.
21. This is the most wonderful, fulfilling, frustrating, practice and It has been the most life changing experience of my life.  (ok I added on for good measure)

Guruji Shri K. Pattabhi Jois explaining what yoga is: 

https://youtu.be/bsbwAjrQTh4

There are more I could add to this list, but I’ll keep it at 20 +1 for now.

I am deeply thankful for all the teachers that have come into my life. Yogis and non yogis alike. The teaching of this practice has given me incredible insight and much confusion to go with it, but I would never change a thing about this journey that I’m on. Ever learning, ever present. Ever in awe of what a wonderful thing humanity is.

On to the next 20 years.

Hari Om

You can find out more about my classes and what I teach at:

www.smiling-yoga.com

These are my scars.

I stand tall above the mound and reach for the stars.

Every step I take lights up with fire

There are no boundaries to my desire

Make no mistake I’m a lethal woman

My poison can be deadly and your remedy.

And try as you might you can’t absorb my energy

                               ***

This is my body.

Every curve tells a story

Every inhale and exhale swells like a waterfall

I move to a rhythm that you can’t even hear

So do you want to go higher?

Pay close attention as I will only mention this once.

I can have my cake and eat it too

I can choose to keep a piece for you.

                              ***

These are my eyes.

They speak the truth despite your lies.

I went to the ends of the earth and STILL brought back flowers

You doubted my faith and you scorned my powers,

I washed my tired body after the fight and stood silently by the light

Because darkness is no match for me

I walk and the earth trembles

You turn your gaze because you are too weak to see

This fire that is within me

***

This is my heart.

It’s stronger than its pain

It swells with love

And the love I feel can not be squandered

Even though my mind has wandered

To moments of silence and remorse

It’s all par for the course

                      ***

The pulse you hear cannot be silenced

It will embrace your hate

It will envelop your fear

It will transform you.

If you let it.

Its not liberating to walk freely in a path that is chosen for you.

The Fallacy of Youth

We had gone through thick and thin together as clueless teenagers, then as young women seeking our place in the world in our early 20’s, and finally in our late 30’s early 40’s carving a path fueled by our experience and collective wisdom. Looking back at our youthful naiveté we thought we possessed, an indestructible power. We could take over the world, and all be damned. We conquered all that we had set out to do, even through this false sense of security, we would accomplish anything we set our minds on. Yet now we realize it’s not always the case; we didn’t have all the answers, as we so painfully discovered along this path to maturity and growth.

I’m reminded of a young woman I knew; she had her pick of men in her late teens early twenties. They were disposable to her and at the flick of her long brown hair, she would leave them as quickly as they would appear. She had no remorse, no care for their feelings. Sometimes these men came into her life to fix her or repair her in some way, but soon discovered that their interference wasn’t welcome, and were left with their hearts broken and their anger intact. She wasn’t frivolous with her feelings, she was cut throat and knew what she wanted.

Her life was not easy, she had many misfortunes and tragedies at a very young age, losing her father  from cancer, at the tender age of 14, finally settling at her family home with her newly widowed mother and her sister, trying to find a base, and an anchor. When her mother remarried, she found comfort in her new family, finding some stability, a safe space. Yet still she was restless, and wild she had a fire that could not be quenched. I envied her, I wanted to be just like her.

She wanted to escape the expectations others had of her. Marry, have children be an obedient wife,  and be like so many of the women in her family, but she didn’t subscribe to these rules. I remember idealizing this woman this unabashed and free person who did as she pleased, not fully knowing whether this was something I wanted for myself. I had to fall in love with every boy I met, I had to be normal, I had to be obedient. Until I discovered later that, the persona I was so desperately trying to fit in to, was my noose.

We grew apart, she started her own business, met many men, had affairs and did as she pleased. Free, bad ass, independent, take no bullshit. I studied dance, and followed my dream to be a choreographer, I wrote poetry, I was an artist. I fell in love with men, I cried over them, I created art for them and kept looking for the one. As everyone around me slowly got married, had kids, settled down, I just couldn’t subscribe to that kind of ideology. Not because I didn’t want it for myself, but because I wanted to write that story differently, with my pen; instead of accepting a pre-approved script. Finding that true voice was more important to me than obeying convention, and looking happy for a picture on a mantle.

My dear friend and I connected again after my separation from a long drawn out relationship with a man 14 years my senior. He had taught me a lot, but inevitably I was no longer in love with him, and truthfully neither was he. I was sitting in her living room, having moved out of the home I shared with my partner, and picking up the pieces of my life when I realized, while holding her then 1-year-old daughter on my lap, that she had done all of it, while following her own rule book. She was with an amazing man who was six years younger, she had a beautiful daughter who was the light of her life and she had her own home. She had chosen to create a family with this man, not because she had to but because she wanted to and it was beautiful.

A few years later her son was born and the wild woman who defied all, was a mother of two amazing children. Yet still her fire, her absolution, her redemption was that she shed all that was expected of her and did exactly what she wanted.  I see her daughter; approximately the same age as my friend when we first met, and she is exactly like her mother, that mischievous sparkle in her eye, the same creativity and playfulness but in her own way. Now I see that her daughter will grow up to be an incredible woman. She has her own convictions, her own ideas and her own thoughts about how life should be. She is part of this new generation of women and men who will shed expectations and gender norms to find their own path in life, burning through the old handbooks that kept us bound to unattainable and ridiculous norms, and I’m incredibly proud of her and her mom.

A Real woman-

A real woman gets married, a real woman does what her husband tells her, a real woman paints her toenails, puts on the good dress, and acts all proper because why should she walk out of the house unkempt and without make up, even though she’s exhausted and has no time to be a barbie doll. A real woman has kids or else she’s not whole.  A real woman can’t possibly have a career and a family. A real woman doesn’t sacrifice her family life for travel, career advancement or ambition. She will be alone, forgotten,  and useless, if she doesn’t perform her duties as expected. A real woman doesn’t have dreams beyond her finely crafted role in society, and if she dare break away from that role, she’s seen as a bitter, unfulfilled misfit. And shame on her if she doesn’t get it all done before dinner time, because then she really doesn’t have it together. I’ve seen countless women who struggle to confine themselves into those labels placed upon them, trying to be perfect in every aspect of their lives, and never realizing what id behind door No. 2.

Shedding the norm, releasing the status quo, cuts the old ideology, patriarchy and rotten gender identity to its core.

Because let’s be honest, why would you want to aspire to anything else than what others construct for you? It’s a finely laid out trap that snaps shut each time we sniff at the proverbial cheese. We all buy into it, we all think it’s just best that way. Why push boundaries, why take the road less traveled? Why seek a life that is glorious and unbound, for something comfortable, understood and accepted by those who have no imagination beyond the cartoonish life they have chosen for themselves; yet this is not the movies, its real life. Its not liberating to walk freely in a path that is chosen for you.

What I see in the women and hopefully the men of this new generation, is an evolved way of thinking. Those who define themselves, and accept no one else’s definition of them. Who aren’t #lit, #queens, #woke #badass and don’t #slay, because that’s still a label, made for them. What makes us unique, shining examples of women in this world, is our choice.

Feminism is about choice. If you choose to have a family and be a mother and a housewife that is a choice you can make because others have paved the path for you with blood sweat and tears. If you choose to have an abortion it is because, a brave woman named Margaret Sanger made it possible for women to get access to birth control and safe family planning. If you choose to travel the world, run your own company, and be a CEO; you can because you have a choice.  Shedding the norm, releasing the status quo, cuts the old ideology, patriarchy and rotten gender identity to its core. We are no longer fitting into a mold built by men, we are not building one at all. Young men and women have an incredible opportunity to break away from these shackles of supposed social structures, and instead of being pushed into another category, they create one of their own and are gloriously unapologetic for it.

And that’s a real woman.