personal growth – Page 2

Day. 2 – Connected distance

How to be present and disconnected at the same time.

I often find myself getting lost in a story of me. I find that creating stories about myself is a creative coping mechanism, because sometimes it’s just easier than actually being yourself. Mind you dear reader, as you’re browsing the online version of you to see who liked it, ( as I am completely guilty of doing so as well) I see you.

I don’t consciously try to be someone other than exactly who I am. Yet! ( yes there is always a yet) the “naked”, unfiltered, version of ourselves; if we are lucky, is seen by the very few, trusted people who deserve to REALLY know us. ( even more than we know ourselves). That version is most likely hidden under layers and layers of personalities, like layers of paint on doors that don’t shut properly after the 10th coating of acrylic. We therefore create personas that make a composite “acceptable” public image.

On this second day of my writing and personal challenge, I took it upon myself to be more self aware and more self accepting. Yes I know this sounds like some Goop article but bear with me. Spending time being focused on what is within rather than around me and on my phone, gave me an opportunity to quiet the chatter, the endless discussion, debates and arguments I have with myself and allowing for me to be just me, without a reflection of a self I aim to create.

Like many of us addicts weaning myself of this insane device and the image of myself I try to portray on it; is quite often a Herculean task at best. Hell I am on a daily open, very public vulnerable writing experiment on this blog for fucks’ sake! But as I pull back the curtain to my inner world; one of my current daily practices of mediation focuses on not sticking to any one narrative or version of myself, but rather allowing for all to coexist without explanation or refinement.

We should not have to owe anyone an explanation of why or who we are. We don’t have to be any certain way, and we certainly don’t have to show anyone else a version or versions ( public or private) of ourselves that are convenient, pleasing or comforting.

To be present is to be accepting of what is at any given time, because the present is our only certainty. Disconnecting from the story or narrative of who we are at any given time is never easy. Wife, best friend, teacher, student, political activist, girlfriend, woman. Experiment by taking moments away from your public life and see what you can discover in you that no one else knows.

March: 27 Day Challenge

What started as a daily commitment experiment for personal growth, self discovery, and a writing challenge, has now become a personal writing tradition. This year I’m hoping I can make this challenge a bit more vulnerable and personal. As done in my last challenges; during the month of March I will be writing a daily post; observation and reflection. This daily posting challenge is a way to push open personal boundaries and redefine my commitment to writing and sharing more of what I see, what I experience, what I am deeply moved by, and how I rediscover the similarities in the cultures I encounter including my own.

This year I will add one more element to the daily challenge that will accompany you; my few but loyal readers on this 27 day journey.

This element, especially in my rediscovery of what it means to be a yoga student, instructor, and a person who genuinely loves guiding people towards better and more self empowered health; is my most challenging. For the past two years I’ve been redefining my own personal practice, and in that light; I will be adding posts and thoughts about my personal physical, spiritual and wellness life, and how it is informed by daily yoga practice, unscripted kinesiology and movement exploration, crazy dance classes, food creation and wellness routines. As my body ages, I realize I’m capable of far more than I had ever tackled in my teens and twenties as a dancer and young yoga student. I invite you to place your own personal 27 day challenges and share them with your friends and loved ones. Motivation sometimes comes from inspiration and I hope this challenge will give opportunity for inspiration and discussion.

Day 1. The Peoples Park

Running on empty.

This past winter, both physically and mentally has been a bit of a challenge. Even though the winter was far less harsh than in previous years; I felt I had to work twice as hard to self motivate. Pulling myself by my bootstraps, as it is often passed around in the U.S, by those who feel the need to show off their unwavering personal resilience to failure. I challenged myself to a biweekly (no matter the weather) run in the park. My body in the last year has gone through some welcome and unwelcome transformations. This morning, as I had done last Sunday, I got out of my winter skin, and with a chilly sunny day, as a backdrop took a very slow run in my favorite park in New York : Prospect Park.

Some may argue that Central Park is better, fancier, more sophisticated, has more to see, and they might be right, but for me Prospect Park has been my sanctuary, my safe haven, my meditation spot, my writing spot, my open gym, my place for self reflection, and where I go jogging from April till November. It’s filled with little nooks, beautiful open lawns, nice shady spots, drum circles and open air concerts. It’s a back yard, a meeting spot, a quiet space and a gathering space. Unlike any park I know in Athens, New York parks are stuff of legends and many stories. Since I don’t have a garden to sit in anymore, the Park has provided a green haven away from everything that reminds you, that you live in a crowded city. Today was no exception. Gorgeous sun reflected off the lake shimmering the waters as people ran, biked, played music and took in a few late winter rays.

It’s a little bit of magic. You will see everyone from the surrounding neighborhoods come together. Kids running through and playing with trees, cyclists whizzing by; re-construction on the old gazebo in the lower end of the park. Today I ran so slowly, even an old grandmother passed me by, but I pay no mind as my feet slowly got used to the rhythm of my heart rate. The Park transports you to places of the past as the trees have secrets only they will ever know. After cutting through the lower half of the park; the wind started to cut through both my hoodies as I walked home. It’s still too cold for me but I’ve pushed through today’s first satisfied with my progress but mostly exhausted and sore.

This for sure will be an interesting month.

Stay tuned…

Gotham’s Magic- A love learned.

How to Seek for Novelty in the Familiar.

Living in one place long enough, you forget to see it with curious fresh eyes. You walk up the same train station, drive the same route to work, take the same street to your yoga practice, gym, dance class; go to the same cafe or bar for a drink with friends. None of this is bad per se. There is something beautiful, comforting even, about the familiar faces and places you encounter every day. Yet shaking up the pot ignites renewed curiosity in a place that has become part of your everyday life.

I challenge myself to the newness of things in order to avoid getting into a much dreaded rut. Daily life is not often full of wonder, unless we make a concentrated effort. Practice, go to work, teach, give massages, come home, cook, write. Rinse and Repeat. I try to stay true to my commitment to novelty, curiosity and keeping a fresh eye on things I see everyday. The reason? I have to gaze at things with absence of predictive air, feeding my need to stay present so I don’t get lost in the same story line. So I don’t get lost in myself.

sunburst sunday rush

Routines, set schedules, predictable outcomes can be equal part comforting and a trap. Looking up at that special moment when all you want to do is bury yourself in the same thing over and over again requires a little extra effort. I say this because falling in love with a place you don’t consider your home requires effort, presence and a sense of wonder. Falling in love with it when it’s all you know is twice as challenging.

New York is not an easy broad ( and for me she IS a broad— not a lady, or a missus, or a woman she’s a broad with whatever images you care to understand reflect that characteristic).

She is harsh, unromantic and somewhat uglypretty. ( a Greek word not really translatable “ασχημόρμοφη” ) a trait she shares with my hometown Athens, who’s femininity is always cast over with a shadow of the unkempt or wild. Taking her for granted and ignoring her nuanced beauty is easy to miss. She’s not glamorous or sexy like Paris or Rome but she’s enchanting, and when you take a moment to notice; she will make you fall in love with her. Unlike my love for Athens, which is in my blood, my love for New York has been peppered with anger, loneliness, pure joy, grittiness and forgiveness. New York is a cinematic love, Athens is a poetic one.

Living and learning to love a city that is not my place of birth is about a deeper kind of love. It’s about understanding the hustle, the grind, and the soul of this metal giant, as the facade of its deep felt inherent kindness and humanity. Some days it takes effort and patience not reserved for your average New Yorker …. but just like I’m not your average Athenian, I’m certainly not your average New Yorker.

Belonging to this city is a work in progress, and like most die heard New Yorkers will never miss a chance to state that: you don’t deserve to be called one unless you’ve spit blood, sweat and tears for it. Noticing it’s magic, however belongs to everyone regardless of socioeconomic status, birthplace, or location. Ive learned to love New York as I hade learned to love myself. She has become a part of me and I a part of her, and every now and then she enchants me, this gal of mine.

Past and Present self

How do you reconnect with the self you truly want to be and let go of the one you chose to be.

A libreto of self.

Look in the mirror. Who do you see? Does the reflection looking back at you remind you of someone? Is it a complete stranger, or are the familiarities lingering underneath the layers of masks you’ve had to wear over the years weighing heavily on your skin.

Take a breath. Listen to your eyes when they speak. They say a lot about you without you uttering a single word. What was your past self telling you that you didn’t take time to listen to? What is your present self shouting over the rooftops that you can scarcely hear?

Being present is a motherfucker. Because we all linger in the in between spaces, we alone create. We alone break.

Look a little more carefully at the lines that have formed on your face. The laughter remains in your eyes despite the difficulties you may have faced. Honestly, look at yourself. Does it terrify you? The possibility of knowing that you missed on those opportunities to dive in and let go?

Does it really matter?

Does your past self still haunt you?

Does you past self still soothe you?

Experiencing the waves of fear that overtake you despite you being safe now.

Scars long healed but never truly so.

Breathe.

Let it all

Go.

How to be resolute in your New Years Resolutions

Resolutions: We know where they go after the first month of the new year. They are promises kept or not kept. They end up being reminders of our commitment or lack there of to ourselves.

My list for 2020 starts with one idea:

Commitment.

Commitment was never my strong suit. I’ve been in relationships where the exit plan was laid out from day one. I’ve started projects I’ve never finished and promised myself better and never followed through.

So if I’m going to boldly enter this new decade. No bullshit, is a necessary ingredient of the recipe for success. Primarily no bull shit towards the things that matter. I’ve often seen how a lack of commitment is the ever dragging on of promises, bold statements and grand ideas that fizzle out all too quickly in the second month of the year because let’s face it, we mean well and then we fail, we forget, we get caught up in our own dramas, we promise and then we default on our own promises to ourselves.

This year, I’m not making any promises or bold statements. Life happens regardless of our intent, so keeping our commitments to ourselves and knowing that if we default on them, it’s our own self we let down. So here is my short list for 2020:

1. Eat well- whatever that means. Including sharing a meal with people you don’t usually eat with.

2. Protect and care for the body and mind. If we are preaching to the world how to live better ( including myself) doing the same for ourselves is basically imperative.

3. Worry less. far less.

4. Love more. Even those that can’t accept, understand or comprehend what that means. ( including ourselves)

5. Give less fucks. Period.

6. Forgive, move on, get over it and let go.

7. See more of the world, because life is way too short and way too precious, to be stuck in one place wondering how amazing the rest of the world is.

8. Be more vulnerable and honest even though it might hurt.

9. Dance. Alone, with others, to music and in silence.

10. Create, something, however small and insignificant it might seem at the time.

Promises are best kept when we accept we might not keep them. Resolutions change, life happens and we try our best to stay committed to ourselves. Happy Fucking New Year.

When life gives you lemons

How to change your viewpoint when the circumstances won’t.

Whatever life can thrown at us, we and only we have the power to transform something negative into something positive. There is no magic trick or special potion. Moments are cultivated and transformed with the idea that the only thing between progress and stagnancy is our own point of view.

When we’re faced with a twist of fate, a turn of events, or something we didn’t expect it feels like it’s all coming apart; our lives hanging at a balance, and the only thing really available to us is how we choose to see our circumstance. Yes of course easier said than done, but how else can we turn shit into gold? Be washing it off and starting over.

Each and every moment is a chance for creating a new line of thinking. The question is do we see the opportunity, in the silver lining or do we focus on the clouds? If life gives us a chance to change, then however painful or challenging that may be, resistance is never going to provide the result we want.

Making the most out of what may seem like misfortune, can lead from failure to success and a glass of lemonade.

Angels and Sinners

No one is all good or all bad.

In recent years I’ve come to understand that people who can be beacons of kindness, can also harbor shadows of darkness and unkindness. We are all made of the cloth of “good” and “evil”.

Owing much to the stagnancy in theoretical and religious notions of someone being bad or good; we tend to forget that we are capable of one AND the other. Picking a side is not clear every time. Consciously choosing kindness, nonviolence and goodness is a work in progress and those who once sinned can be redeemed, and those who seem all loving are revealed to be the opposite.

Countless examples of world leaders, spiritual figures and people seen as poster children for all that is good in the world; are often capable of causing immense harm at the same time. Is their good then invalid? I suppose for those living in a world of absolutes; there are no exceptions. Religion wants to make us choose, doctrine states that we can’t possibly be both, yet there is a dark spot in a sea of white and a white spot in a cloud of darkness.

Yin and Yang.

An ever present reminder that there are no absolutes, we are made of both darkness and light. In the same way a pimp can be a loving father, a revered humanitarian can be an abusing, controlling partner, and an addict can have a heart of gold; we are not monolithic, and capable of redemption and destruction.

In my life I have tried many times to see the good in people who rarely see it in themselves and unearth the darkness in seemingly nice people. We all try to construct an image of ourselves and others that is cut and dry, but within the crevices of our existence, lie the myriad of ways in which we are extremely complicated and multifaceted. Oftentimes we see only what we want to see.

Good and Bad are not extremes. They are not just clear cut choices. Because we are not just one or the other. We are both.

NYC State of Mind

A story about finding and rebuilding a home.

Falling in love with Gotham is not an easy love. It’s not a quiet love it’s a passion unlike any other.

I’ve fallen in and out of love with New York City, its culture and its people for as long as I can remember. First in 1999 and now 20 years later. It was and is a place where you undergo change in order to survive, you must evolve in order to thrive and you must find yourself before you get lost.

This place is not for the faint of heart, and most importantly it’s not for the faint of mind.

Finding myself, my purpose and identity in NYC is the deepest journey of self knowledge I’ve undergone in recent years. Very few cities I’ve visited or lived in have had the same effect. For those who are natives, lifers, and full time residents; it’s a daily chess game of willpower and focus. You have to stay ahead of the monster and the game.

Yet the city has changed.

Whatever bohemian, free, society New York once was; has now been transformed, altered and deeply changed. For the better, or for worse , only time will tell.

Part of me liked the dangerous, mysterious Gotham to the fancy free NYC full of kombucha, beard oil and gluten free butter biscuits. New York at its core is not hip or cool, it’s subversive, loud mouthed, deeply spiritual, proud, driven city. It’s a city of newcomers and visitors, a city of passage and immigration and a city who’s pulse is in the hustle.

The give and take and heartbeat of nyc is on its streets. It’s not a romantic place. I’ve written about the lack of eros in this city since I first stated writing this blog. It lacks the finesse, and the flirtation of older cities but makes up for it with a true heart.

New York is not a place for the faint of heart. The love here is fierce, possessive and demanding. She’s drunk in the middle of the night with mascara running down her face. She’s messy she’s unforgiving she’s crude. She’s remembers everything. Yet hers is a love that teaches you first and foremost to love yourself.

Cheers to New York Fucking City

Η απόσταση κάνει καλό.

Πως να μη χανόμαστε στην ιστορία μας.

photo Eleana Kouneli— Acropolis, Athens September 2019

Πρέπει να χτίσουμε μια υγιή απόσταση από τις αναμνήσεις μας.

Όταν χανόμαστε στην ιστορία του παρελθόντος μας, χάνουμε το νόημα του παρόντος. Ομολογώ πως έχω υπάρξει πολλές φορές θύμα της νοσταλγίας μου. Είτε γιατί αρνούμαι να παραδεχτώ ότι έχω αλλάξει, είτε γιατί αρνούμαι να πιστέψω πως έχουν αλλάξει τα πράγματα γύρω μου. Σε κάθε περίπτωση τρώγοντας μια σφαλιάρα πραγματικότητας επανέρχομαι στο παρόν είτε εύκολα και ανώδυνα είτε με πολύ κόπο και πόνο. ( το δεύτερο για κάποιο λόγο το προτιμώ για λόγους που δε θα αναλύσω τώρα)

Το φετινό μου ταξίδι στην Αθήνα αποδείχθηκε ένα από τα πιο ζόρικα στα 7 χρόνια που μένω στη Νέα Υόρκη. Φέτος έτσι οπως ήρθαν τα πράγματα, δεν έκανα καμία παύση από τις καθημερινες υποχρεώσεις μου ούτε στην Ελλάδα ούτε στην Αμερική. Όσοι με ξέρουν προσωπικά και όσοι άγνωστοι με διαβάζουν εδώ (δεν είναι όχλος αλλά για μένα είναι μια ουσιαστική επαφή) γνωρίζουν ότι επιπλέω μεταξύ Ελλάδας και Αμερικής από τα 13, όταν αποφάσισαν οι γονείς μου να φύγουμε οικογενειακώς από την Αθήνα και να εγκατασταθούμε στα χωριά της Δυτικής Μασαχουσέτης.

Έκτοτε ζω μεταξύ Αθήνας και Νέας Υόρκης με μια ανεξήγητη ευκολία αλλά και την αναμενόμενη δυσφορία που παρουσιάζεται στους Έλληνες που διαλέγουν να ζουν σε δυο εντελως αντίθετες χώρες με αντίθετες νοοτροπίες.

Απο τα 13 έχω κρατήσει και διατηρήσει επαφές με φίλους, συμμαθητές, συνεργάτες, παλιούς εραστές, και οικογένεια με την επιμονή και ευλάβεια που λίγοι θα είχαν την αυτοκυριαρχία να συντηρήσουν. Επιμένω σε αυτό γιατί εμμένω στην ιδέα ότι το παρελθόν μας είναι η κλωστή της ιστορίας μας.

Αφιερώνω χωρίς δεύτερη σκέψη χρόνο και ενέργεια στην επικοινωνία εξ αποστάσεως κατά κύριο λόγο γιατί δε θέλω να χάσω την επαφή με το παρελθόν μου. Τα τελευταία χρόνια ομως ( λόγο ηλικίας, ή λόγο εσωτερικης αλλαγής) Η προσαρμογή στα άκρα και η δυσκολία του να κρατήσω μια ισορροπία μεταξύ των αναμνήσεων και της παρούσας κατάστασης εξασθενεί. Άθελα μου και αναγκαστικά, έχω αρχίσει να αφήνω πίσω μου ανθρώπους που δεν ταιριάζουν στην τωρινή μου εικονα.

Κρατούσα επαφές, και φιλίες για χρόνια με ανθρώπους που είχαν ως μόνο κριτήριο για μένα μια παλιά τάξη πραγμάτων χωρίς να λογαριάζουν τις αλλαγές που όλοι μας δεχόμαστε για να μπορέσουμε να εξελιχθούμε και να πάμε μπροστά αντί να αναμασάμε και να ανακυκλώνουμε παλιές ιδέες και καταστάσεις.

Επιστέφοντας στη τωρινή μου βάση στη Νέα Υόρκη, κατάλαβα μετά από μια επίπονη διαδικασία ότι πολλοί ρομαντικοί σαν εμένα αναλώνουν πολύτιμη ενέργεια στη προσπάθεια διατήρησης επικοινωνίας με το παρελθόν τους, με αποτέλεσμα να χάνουν ουσιαστική επαφή με το παρόν. Ο Έκχαρτ Τόλλε τα λέει πολύ καλύτερα από μένα στο βιβλίο του The Power Of Now, για τα παιχνίδια που παίζει ο νους με το παρελθόν μας και τη προσκόλληση μας σε αυτό.

Το παρελθόν σου δίνει μια ταυτότητα και το μέλλον περιέχει μια υπόσχεση σωτηρίας. Και τα δυο είναι ψευδαισθήσεις-

Έκχαρτ Τόλλε

Αυτες οι σκεψεις με περιτριγυρίζουν ενώ κάθομαι στο σαλόνι του πρώτου Νεοϋρκέζικου σπιτιού που ένιωσα για πρώτη φορά (στα 7 χρόνια που μένω σε αυτή τη τρελή πόλη) σα το σπίτι μου.

Ζήστε το τώρα… όλα τα υπόλοιπα είναι χαμένη υπόθεση. Καλό φθινόπωρο σε όλους.

Photo by Eleana Kouneli ( Kent, September 2019)

Wandering Child- The Journey

Somber mornings, built in longings, and the sea awaits. Crossings, passages, journeys of time, sublime aromas of a land that is my sacred place. Intoxicating smells of the past coming back to me at last. Long lost destiny starts with just one step, but I’ve been walking for miles and miles and I’m growing tired.

What do you do for yourself they ask. I have a task, herculean at best. There is no rest for my body tonight.

Frightful faces look at me as I smile, they must not have seen joy in a while. Staring in disbelief that someone can break the spell of misery, it’s not a mystery. Listen to my liturgy. Amen

Strange men pause their eyes one me.

Breaking the sanctity of my solidarity.

What the fuck are you looking at…My tongue gets caught in a reaction but I bite it hard.

I close my joy in a box to share with those who give it back.

It’s a rarity in these strange times. To find the sublime in the ordinary and mundane.

The rain keeps falling on the streets of familiarity, my old haunts. They fault me, chase me away.

Yet I return changed.

Memories streaming like the rivers formed by the first fall rain.

Athena is washed clean after a summer of debauchery and tourist delights.

They will soon go as they always do, to leave our land for us to clean up.

Fast forward to a quiet space. Against the race of time. It’s all mine now, this moment. Atonement for my sins. Quietly knocking down my resignation to this abomination this greed. I plant the seed to a new life, walking away from the past like a lion roaming the earth in search for a place to call home.

And then… silence awaits.

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Day 1. The Peoples Park

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