I don’t want to prop you up and wake you up to your divine self.
You don’t need admiration or attention.
You don’t need to know “you’re handsome” all the time.
You know you’re fine. And sublime.
I love your imperfections and inflections and the way you carry your chest.
Let me confess…
The body is a vehicle for your soul so if you like soulless hoes then you gotta go far…. away from me cause I see what beauty lies beneath your crooked teeth and perfect ass.
Step aside don’t ride with me unless you’re the ride or die guy for me.
I don’t think you’re man cause you fucked 3 in one night. That’s not your might or your delight.
I love your mind. You make my brain tingle, and then I realize the prize of life is in your eyes.
I dive inside your mind and find myself naked to those emotions I guard in my heart shaped metal box.
I Let go of the hate and anger that I so staunchly support to thwart any really deep feelings form growing in my heart.
I fall apart. cause it’s too real for me. What a shame I don’t do myself one better.
And let you come in to my life…become my man my mentor my muse.
Yet I self abuse. I’m such a coward with my life.
I get run over again and again and for what, so I can suck another dick? And then?
Throw back to a girl in the sand with a tan and a gorgeous man next to her.
Throw back to a teen just coming clean with her hormones and not realizing how crazy she was for that boy.
Throw back to a little girl of 5-7 with hair in a bun in a ballet class that keeps her away from the birds of prey in her family.
Throw back to your womb mother dearest where all was protected and not affected by the outside world.
Throw back to that star that shines above my window as I think of you and your lips so soft on mine. And your sublime embrace that just made me feel at home away from home….
Flashback to that night that you parted my lips and intertwined your tongue with mine… so divine
Like red wine strong and delicate you nibble at my neck…
Then check your self…
Am I dreaming?
Your hands on my hips as I open myself to your manhood….divine
And you whisper…your mine now and thrust deep into my soul.
Throw back…. to last night.
When you got up and left only to leave an imprint on my heart.
God how do I start this damn heart again it’s defective and all broken in pieces.
How does it work again, how can I love again, how does it rise up from its infinite pain.
And I think again…. throw back to your closed eyes as you sleep next to me and I know that one day you will find me.
Throw back to a woman with her toes buried in the sand next to the sea and the land that she loves with a love so mighty no one can tear it from her gripping hands.
Flashback to my hands touching your face as I give in to your embrace and the sound of your heart beating next to mine.
She would cross the street and just close her eyes and say to herself its ok, no one will miss me, no one will notice I’m gone. On the subway just before the train arrived, she would stare at the tracks for moments thinking… what if I jumped? She would dream of death every day after she got home from the hospital. At night she would dream of bodies, plane crashes, her husband falling off a cliff, she saw the gun in her hand, while looking at her reflection in the mirror just before she pulled the trigger. She wanted to disappear. She didn’t always think this way. This morbid game was very new to her. Like a mental Russian Roulette.
The pain of her stitches pulled at her lower abdomen every time she would put on her underwear. She knew that this would take a long time to heal but it wasn’t the pain of the surgery that hurt her the most. It was the pain of feeling empty inside. She felt as gutted as her uterus. She didn’t want to leave the house for days. Food made her nauseous so she made due with rice crackers with soft cheese or plain rice. Her friends would come by and leave her soup, quiche, bread, rice pudding, fruit, anything that she might be inclined to even look at let alone taste, and she would leave in the fridge for days before taking a bite of each and throwing it out before it spoiled.
She and her husband tried everything, therapy, counseling, talking and more talking but he was unable to see her. He felt paralyzed, useless and eventually drifted into his work, the couch and his football games. She kept going to work like a robot, lifeless, expressionless, she walked the same path to her train station, walked down the steps to the platform and waited. She would grab the same cup of coffee and bagel from the corner cafe but never ate the bagel, it was almost an automatic gesture. She was on autopilot.
On the day her life changed forever, she was on the same platform on the same time as any other day when she heard Al Green’s Let’s Stay Together played a Capella by a distant male voice. She had heard that song a million times, hummed it a million more but still something this morning caught her attention. She felt the warm coffee in her hand as she walked closer towards the source of the sound.
I…I’m so in love with you….Whatever you want to do, is all right with me.
Cos you make me feel, so brand new. And I want to spend my life with you.
She walked toward the man singing the song and sat next to him on a wooden bench near to the end of the platform. A tall, thin framed older gentleman with a little gray on his temples, and a beautiful bright red hat sang with a mic and the tune playing in the background.
Since, since we’ve been to-gether,
Loving you for-ever, is what I need.
She sat, lightly closing her eyes to the melody, letting the cool morning breeze caress her face. The man kept crooning and singing till the end of the last bar and then said “God bless you lovely people, have a beeuuuutiful day”. She clapped and stepped a little closer to his direction. “thank you that was really lovely, I don’t have any money but I do have breakfast if you want it”
“Honey… I don’t need your money, I’ve SEEN you walk up here for weeks lookin like damn ghost. And from the look of it you seem to need that breakfast more than I do” he chuckled.
“No offence but you need to eat!”
He smiled politely and offered his hand. He held hers with such delicacy, his fingers long and thin; a wedding ring on the right hand and a big aquamarine on the left. Her hands felt so small next to his.
-Hi… I’m Lauren. The coffee is pretty cold but I’ll leave you the bagel, its really delicious.
– Pleased to meet you Lauren, and if you insist thank you for the bagel, I’m Lazarus.
She smiled softly, and he stared strongly into her eyes. She felt his energy and his presence permeate the whole subway platform.
“That’s a beautiful name, Lazarus… so powerful and full of meaning.” I love your ring, its aquamarine right? That’s my birthstone. I’m a March baby.
– Well thank you fine lady, your name reminds of me of my late wife, Laura, and this is indeed aquamarine; its my birthstone too… I came into this world March 28th, 1945 two blocks from here.
She felt the wind change suddenly as the conductor announced the train arrival in one minute. She softly let go of Lazarus’s hand and left the bagel near his boom box. He tipped his red hat to her. ” Bonjour madame Lauren, have a beeuuuutiful day”. She smiled, and caught her reflection in the closing doors of the train and felt something shift inside her after what seemed like an eternity.
She hummed the tune again a little louder as she gazed at the vanishing train station from the train doors
I…I’m so in love with you….Whatever you want to do, is all right with me.
Eleana Kouneli 